People have been trying to figure out love and relationships since the beginning of time. I don’t expect or claim to have it all figured out but I am trying to process my journey through writing. I understand that love is one of life’s great mysteries, but I really need to get to the bottom of my daddy issues if I’m going to break through the codependent tendencies that I have.
I’m pretty sure, at least I’m trying to convince myself, that I never want to fall in love again. Not because it hurts but because it means to lose my footing, to not stand on my own two feet, to always need a hand. It doesn’t allow me to live fully because of the dependency. It creates expectations, misunderstandings and has an inevitable end.
Maybe in a way, relationships do help reveal my issues, it seems a different side of myself comes out with each person I connect with. It’s like I recognize myself in others. The concept of mirrors in relationships fascinate me. I like the picture in my mind of the mirror because it shows how we are separate and not one with another person. Mirrors show us the good and bad about ourselves, it also helps me not internalize criticism because that is just another’s mirror. Seeing others as friends instead of someone to have expectations of, has opened up a whole new world.
I can handle the hurt, the reason I don’t want to fall in love again is because it doesn’t work for me. I am a free spirit, an open person. I don’t follow society’s rules. I admit to being wrong a lot in the past but being wrong is an important step in the process of finding answers. I simply can’t stay unconscious. My kids depend on me to be aware enough to connect instead of attach.
As a codependent, the lines have been easily blurred when someone meets a need that I had or especially when I meet another’s need and they love me for it. It makes me feel good to be needed and that has been my definition of love towards my kids and towards romantic interests, but it no longer is. I’m tired of not having a say in my life and living under the burden of having to appear perfect.
It easier to be lazy and to give up the responsibility of meeting my own needs. I’ve pretty much been giving away my power and deceiving myself, that happiness was something that only someone else could give me. I’m learning that the fear of abandonment has no power when self-care takes priority. Doing what others want so that they’ll love me is ridiculous.
I want to rise in love instead of fall in love.
Consciously love, being aware that I am always responsible to meet my own needs and that self-care comes first, before reaching out to heal or connect with others.
Rising in love to meet my kids without running from my childhood triggers, to love them in a real way with boundaries so that the time spent is quality, instead of detached emotionally. Not depending on my kids to fulfill my emotional needs or to live the childhood I wish I had. To let them learn through mistakes instead of being so over-protective and letting my fears hold them back.
I don’t want pass fear on from one generation to the next. I will not only stand against the current pushing me so strongly, but I will swim against the current. The only way to live and learn is to be allowed the freedom to make mistakes. Until now I never had that freedom. It was stolen from me and I just kept on going with the current. Conscious love is the highest healing frequency of all.
Putting all my eggs in one basket is not the way I want to live anymore, not only is it impossible for one person to meet all my needs, but each person I connect with teaches me something different. Nobody else shares all the same interests I do, so if I learn something and want to share it, there is usually a particular person that comes to mind. In addition to that, becoming my own best friend means that I don’t have to share every little thing with another person so that I would be special to someone, or they would be my rock, I can keep some things to myself.
I am choosing to take the responsibility to heal myself instead of looking to others for healing. I still believe that addiction is the lack of connection and I seem to have taken that a step further by making connection my addiction to escape dealing with my childhood emotional issues. I’m redirecting that focus by spending time with and getting to know my own soul so that I can cultivate healthy relationships with my family and friends.
This shift is a drastic change from looking for “the one” who would meet all my needs or even looking at all. It is a focus on making myself so happy that I vibrate on a level that attracts others who are also emotionally healthy. I am here to love others with an open hand, they are free to come and go in my life on their journey and I wish them well when they move on.
The secret of attraction is to love yourself ~ Deepak Chopra
I had my list of what I was looking for in a relationship and my list hasn’t changed. The only thing that has changed is who I am expecting to meet those needs. I am now fully aware that it is my job to take care of myself by nurturing, comforting, supporting, validating, accepting, desiring and discovering who I am. I can always feel safe and cared for, even when I feel alone.
From now on I choose friendship instead of falling in love. That elusive high is not worth feeling like crap when I’m not in love. Not only is it a half-life, but it is only a temporary fix. I want to always be living fully.
Friendship is sharing my soul in the moment with another instead of giving them my soul and asking them to take care of it. Rising in love is strong and holds space for others because it withholds criticism. I want others to feel free to share what’s really there, instead of being afraid of judgement or feeling like they have to be perfect.
I want to give my kids the gift of not having to be perfect, to be real instead of fake. I want them to know that tears are okay, and that being vulnerable is the highest form of strength. I hope they learn to not fight against the negative but to sit with it to learn what it has to teach.
Becoming aware that the reason that I try so hard to make others happy, is because I was raised that my survival depended on it. To not make my Dad happy resulted in physical pain, I was trained like a dog. Awareness is the only thing that is allowing my brain to be reprogrammed.
Noticing my reactions and labeling them, telling myself the truth in those situations, calms my anxiety. I am not my thoughts or my feelings, I am awareness, my soul has endless love and wisdom. Asking myself what do I want in situations instead of being a pushover is slowly allowing me to get to know myself. I’m connecting more to my soul by establishing personal boundaries.
Instead of surviving each day I am creating my life, attracting what I imagine and feel and reclaiming the power that was stolen from me and the power I’ve been to giving others ever since.
Being myself instead of a chameleon, opens up a whole new world of possibilities. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is REAL and not afraid to lose another person. From now on I will let others be disappointed in me and let them be responsible for their own happiness. That is not my burden to bear anymore.
I want to enjoy the time others choose to spend with me instead of chasing attention or running from triggers. My security comes from within. I don’t want to limit who I can love. Yes boundaries are essential with who I Choose to interact with, I can still love though, even if either of us has chosen to move on. For example, I wish my Dad well on his journey, even though I am not in his life. I used to have high expectations of him but now I See him from a place of compassion. He is not me, he is not my identity, I don’t need his love in order to love myself.
Communicating needs is saying “this is me” as opposed to being needy and saying “you are me” That is the main place that “falling” in love was tripping me up. We are not half that needs a better half. Love is not a limited resource, it is abundant. Exclusivity does not create value, appreciation does.
My kids are not me either, they have their own path to walk, their own interests and their own way of seeing and interacting with people. I want to appreciate each person that the universe brings across my path, they are someone to share and connect with, a mirror and a teacher.
The difference between friends and more than friends is sharing instead of attaching. Attaching is having unrealistic expectations and thinking that love means to be needed or to need another. Sharing means I am already complete on my own and my self-love overflows to others. This also can be applied to my kids. Attaching to them by projecting my fears or imposing my desires is not healthy.
My Dad wanted to own me, I was only good enough if I met his expectations. If I continue on the path of always trying to measure up and earn the love of another, then I’ll be stuck in my childhood forever.
Owning is not love. I never want to own or be owned again, and that is why I choose to never fall in love again. Society’s definition of love is not my definition of love. I believe that love is acceptance and freedom.
Yes, humans crave connection but I can get connection in healthier ways than focusing so hard to be good enough to love. I am already worthy and I don’t need another’s love. I choose to connect to my soul and love myself every day, that is my top priority and everything I need will be attracted into my life by the vibrations that I manifest.
Yes, the heart does want what it wants, but that does not mean I have to give my power away to another. They say you can’t choose who you love, you just love. That’s true and there’s nothing wrong with love. There is however, something wrong with placing the responsibility of loving me, in another’s hands. That job is mine and mine alone. If others love me, that’s great – but I don’t need them to love me, and they can move on whenever they choose with my full blessing.
I don’t need my kids to love me either. I can say no and still be a kind person. We all deserve to have a turn getting our way. I feel like I’m in the process of breaking the spell of obedience on the movie Ella Enchanted, where she has to do everything that everyone asks her to do.
I am here to give love to everyone and to share connection (not attach) with those who have built trust by treating me with kindness. Boundaries in relationships are the most important thing.
“Boundaries are not division, they are respect.
It is, here is what is okay for me, and here is what’s not” ~ Brene Brown.
“Boundaries are necessary for a successful relationship. Most relationships are aborted in the boundary-defining stage. Not because people demanded what they needed. But because they didn’t, then got resentful about it” ~ Karen Marie Moning
Abandonment and being misunderstood are no longer my biggest fears because I realize that I’m the only one who will ever understand me and am now aware that to fear loss, drains my power. I’ve figured out what makes me happy to be alive, apart from someone else’s love and attention.
For so long I’ve been afraid to face my issues, the pain of my past turned me inward, distracting myself with other’s lives. I refuse to say asleep, living in denial, trying to numb the pain. By feeling compassion for my parents, and comforting my inner child through the triggers I face daily,
I WILL RISE.
I am not defective. I am a deep soul, leading the way with a torch in hand, creating a path so others can find a way to joy. I will face my demons alone, so I can figure things out, find my strength, learn who I am, find freedom, become more assertive and have the time to reflect. I am shedding my skin, releasing the person I thought I was.
I want to greet my kids with joy when they walk into the room because that is what is vibrating out from my heart, not with criticism because I haven’t silenced my own inner critic. I see how self-love is essential to being a good mother and friend.
Genuine friendship is authentic with no agenda, all delusion is gone. No more projecting my desires onto another person. Time to see and appreciate others for who they are, not who they are to me. I am a recovering codependent who has become aware. I realize this is all easier said than done but being aware what is happening is step one.
Relationships don’t need a time frame or a label, all we have is this moment, even though some moments are so great that we wish they could last forever. The only constant in life is that everything changes. Raising children is a constant process of letting go, helping them learn to be a caretaker and provider.
Of course there are emotions in relationships but another person cannot be our salvation. The key is enjoying the moment and accepting that the feeling cannot be bottled up. Relationships are like plants that need water or they’ll die, there are many flowers in the garden though, so just because one died because another didn’t water it, doesn’t mean that there won’t be another equally beautiful flower waiting to bloom. We are the not the plant, our survival does not depend on which one blooms or dies. It may just not be the right time for a particular flower to bloom.
The highest form of love is friendship, it is loving with an open hand. If I want water in my hand, and I close my fist tight over it, all the water is drained out, but if I keep my hand cupped open, it allows the water to remain. That is how relationships are stifled, by wanting to possess another. Love and energy needs to have freedom to flow, to try and contain it has the opposite result.
I am a vast ocean, not limited to these waves, allowing all of life’s positive and negative energies to surge through me so I’m not at war with half of life. Finding peace through awareness and acceptance. Be and let others be with no blame. Looking for the good and feeling appreciation, knowing it is reflected back.
Conscious breathing is my anchor.